As the Christmas holiday quickly approaches, I am filled with a quandary; it's not a question as to whether to shop online or not, or what gift to buy, or just who to send cards to this year. I am swamped with mixed emotions. I realize that I'll never have the Christmases of my childhood back. In all reality, my childhood wasn't as bad as some other kids I knew, even though I lost my biological father at age five. Even at that young age, I had discovered art - I hadn't realized yet that it was an emotional as well as a creative outlet, but dang, was I having a blast! Looking back further, I never thought I would miss the loud, crazy chaos of a big family gathering. I'm a quiet person. So - what's my problem?
I look out among the elderly people in my neighborhood and I know they won't be spending Christmas Day with anyone and I get instantaneously depressed. And I'm not even living their life. The days of having my own children to dote on are long gone. My youngest daughters kids are going to their fathers house for the holidays as well as vacation, so we'll be celebrating with them early. While I'll be celebrating Christmas Day with my other daughters family, her two children don't believe in Santa Claus anymore. We were all at a Christmas open house last weekend at a local transportation museum (which both kids love) and Santa arrived via a Cessna airplane. Even with all that hubbub, my granddaughter said to me afterwards, "I'm sure that guy who played Santa was good for the little kids, but he doesn't do it for me anymore." I wanted to cry. Our grand-kiddos are growing up, and it's getting a great deal more difficult to pull any wool over their eyes.
The past is gone and the future hasn't arrived yet, so I wonder what this season will hold for us. I know it will contain the annual parties at several friends houses, church services and events, as well as visits with family and friends galore. However, my granddaughter said it best; "I just want to make people happy."
One day at a time. I make myself happy with love, self-respect, and faith. I have to love myself before I can love anyone else. Note I didn't say "in love", but "love". If I was "in love" with myself instead of "loving" myself, I'd be a self-centered, egotistical bitch. Not fun. One way I made myself happy this week was continuing to dabble in my doodle series of works. I am happy with the results. Next month starts the sketchbook project that will end up in New York. I'm excited by the anticipation that I'm feeling now.
As for another right now, since I've finished writing this weeks blog, it's off for a walk in the season's first snowfall. Fresh air, fresh snow, and fresh ideas for art works! Can't beat that!
Until next time, may the small things that are ordinary bring you joy,
Jill
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